And that's a Wrap on May...

I was working on titles and they all ended up sounding really worrisome like May it End... So yeah, that's a wrap on May.

And how did it go?

Still ahead on my reading goals. I read six books, four fiction and two nonfiction. So not the total balance but still both represented. I mentioned that part of my problem right now with nonfiction is that the type of nonfiction I tend to read (aside from biographical books) is social science. How we can make a change, and what makes a difference. And right now in the United States a lot of the things that comprise our social safety net are being dismantled. So a lot of the things that work won't anymore.

So yeah, I read Poverty, by America which would have been depressing enough if I had read it two years ago, but was almost devastating to read this year. And then as a palate cleanser I read Moral Ambition. Which was targeted at a younger reader, one starting a career or contemplating a career change, but it was still really uplifting and motivating. I just have to figure out what to do with the information to apply to my own life.

Fiction was good. No romantasy so that was great. I read one book that was one day in the life of a woman (very pregnant woman) in Portland the day the big Cascadia earthquake hits. It was good. Scary, and it was only one day so it ends on a bit of a wait...what? moment, but I do that to you all all the time so it's only fair. The big recommendation is James. It isn't often that a really hyped book (and now Pulitzer Prize winner) lives up to the hype, but this one does.

Writing. Even with being challenged lately on what to write I still wrote more days than I didn't. A couple of fiction pieces here, a couple for my exchange with Dana, some rants and raves and brain dumps and updates. I'd like to get back to a place where things seem to flow better, but the fact that I keep grinding along feels like a win of sorts.

Did my last day of physical therapy for this round yesterday. I have a follow up appointment with my doctor on the 9th so I will see where we go next. I think I've had improvement but I'm not sure what the target should be. Like am I supposed to think I'm going to get to no pain or is it is good enough that as long as I don't poke it for the most part it's okay? And that a bad day now is what a good day was before? I mean, it's better for sure, but should I try the other therapy to see if I can get it to ALL better?

I was able to work out more consistently last month and increase my weights back to almost where they were. So of course my weight and body fat percentage both increased. Because why not?

Which brings us to June. I'm going to see if I can get the scale to budge from where I landed when my thyroid failed. I'm medicated and in theory I should have lost that weight when that happened. But you know me, I just like to prove "them" wrong. Who is "them?" Fuck if I know, but I've been railing against "them" all my life so why stop now?

So, anyway, I'm going to make a change a week and see what it takes to move the numbers. And then when I get them to move I'm going to see if those changes are worth it to me. If not, if either the numbers don't move, or I don't like how much I have to do, then I'll just start rebuilding my wardrobe to fit this new body and call it a day. But if the numbers do start to move, and the reward is worth the effort, then I'll give myself a couple months to see if I can get back into the clothes I have stashed in the spare room.

I've got the beginning of plan in mind. I've told Brent what I'm doing and if I get to the step where I start counting calories I will use the program that lets me share numbers with him so he can spot check me every once in a while to make sure I'm not playing the "how low can I go?" game. I'm never sure if knowing you are crazy is better than not knowing, but in this instance at least knowing what triggers my crazy I can protect myself a bit from it. Because I have to tell you right now a little touch of high school anorexia is looking pretty sweet.

And I know that's because it's a control issue disease for me. When you aren't in control of a lot of things in your life it becomes very attractive to take control of anything you can. My controlling what I ate, or didn't eat as the case may be, I felt like I was controlling EVERYTHING. Right now I feel like I have no control over anything (government, Intel, life in general) but instead of my brain saying let's not eat! that will give us some control! It's saying, LET'S EAT NOTHING BUT SUGAR! Then we can not be in control but super fast!! Comfort eating instead of comfort not eating.

So first step is to cut out the excess sugar during the week. Stop feeling sorry for myself and realize that living well is always better. We will see how it goes. I know it will make me angry for a bit while I adjust. Detox does that. And detox added to anyone (even myself) telling me no is a bit of a bitch. That's me, I'm the bit of a bitch. Everyone send thoughts and prayers to Brent.

I'm also going to look back on all of the things I've set as monthly intentions for this year and see if I want to tweak anything there.

I know this was a long one without much substance but you all said just write and you will sort it out yourselves so you have no one to blame but yourself!

And that's a wrap.

On to June...