Awkward Moments...

At physical therapy this morning...

"So what are you doing for Mother's Day?"

"Nothing special, we don't do anything. One of the only benefits about being an adult orphan."

"Oh, well, yeah, I guess that's true. You have kids though?"

"I have a grown daughter, but I let her off the hook years ago. We talk every Sunday and I'd rather not shorten that to once a year."

Then we talked about Hallmark holidays in general and how I just don't bother with them and how I think it's better if you choose dates that are important just to your family, or to you as a couple if you want to celebrate. Make it your own.

I know she felt a little awkward when I mentioned the adult orphan thing, I think it's kind of an amusing way to describe it. We always think of orphans as children, but technically Brent and I are both orphans. Parents are both dead. There are a lot of us adult orphans out there in the world. There aren't a lot of benefits to it but not having to celebrate Mother's or Father's day is one of them. That and being able to shut people down who are bothering you by mentioning a dead parent. They don't need to know that your father has been dead for 15 years, you can just tell them you're having a hard time with the grief right now. It could also be true. Some days are hard, no matter how long it's been.

Mother's Day is one of those days for me.

I've talked about it before, Mother's Day 2020 was the last time we talked to Brent's mother. One of the things that she and I talked about, the major thing we talked about, was how she needed to take this new Coronavirus seriously. I do believe that conversation (and her not taking that advice) was why she didn't call us when she got sick. She didn't want us to nag her to go to the hospital. I am sure, knowing my mother-in-law, that she was positive she could handle it on her own.

It didn't work out that way.

It took me a few years (as you all know) to actually stop feeling guilty about that. I don't usually do guilt. Guilt is an actionable emotion in my opinion. If you feel guilty you need to change your behavior. But I couldn't change what happened. I knew it should be moved over to regret, but I still felt guilt. I felt like I should have, could have, still should be able to, do something different. That I had done something wrong.

I didn't. She didn't. She had no way of knowing that the virus was so much worse than anything she had ever faced. If she had known she would have made a different choice. If I had known I would have. But neither one of us knew. And sometimes things happen that are terrible and cannot be changed, and are nobody's fault. This was one of those things.

I've accepted that.

But I still don't feel great about Mother's Day.

I'm not a fan of Father's Day either actually, especially the years it lines up exactly with Dad's death.

They just aren't great days.

But at least I don't have to buy anyone flowers.

So I've got that going for me.