Cleaning Services...
fiction
Deborah stood at Sarah's door and paused before knocking. She gathered her thoughts, getting her own emotions under control before taking on what was waiting for her on the other side.
She raised her fist to knock and the door opened before she had a chance.
"I saw you on the camera. I wasn't sure you if you were going to knock or just drop and run."
Deborah laughed a little, "A ding dong ditch, but with brownies."
"Brownies? Oh thank goodness. I don't think I have room in the freezer for another casserole. I didn't know there were so many different types."
"I know it seems like too much, but you will actually be grateful for them. Well, most of them. If Julie brings over her chicken surprise, just toss it out. There is no grief deep enough to make that edible."
Sarah laughed then covered her mouth and looked ashamed.
"Don't do that. It's okay to laugh. She would have wanted you to keep laughing."
Sarah took the brownies from Deborah, "Come in, did you want some coffee? Or something to eat? I have so much. Even brownies now."
"Not just brownies, Mississippi mud brownies."
"Oh my gosh. I haven't had these since...senior year? Was that the last time we made them?"
"I've had them more recently. I introduced them to Brit when she broke up with Jacob. I told her she didn't have to talk to me about it if she didn't want to, but that I had made her miracle healing brownies. The little shit thought I'd put pot in them!"
"She said that to you?"
"She did. Can you even imagine saying something like that to our parents?"
"No. I mean, we just didn't talk to them the way we talk to our kids, right? They didn't..." Sarah trailed off. The grief closing down her face.
"It was a different time. They did the best they could. We did the best we could. Then we made different choices with our kids. And our kids will make different choices with their own. But the important thing is they loved us."
"It's just all so overwhelming, you know?"
"I do."
"That's true. You do. It's not a fun club to be part of is it?"
"It's not, but more and more of us will join every year. I was just an early member. The gift of older parents."
"There's just so much more to deal with than I ever realized. So many documents to get signed and notarized, so many accounts to close, so much to take care of. All while still having to take care of my own life. Not that she wasn't part of my life but..."
"I get it. I do. And don't think you have to apologize to me or explain to me what you mean. It's overwhelming. It's terrible. And there should be an easier way to get through it. But there isn't. You just have to get through it. Take as much time as you need, or at least as much as you can. The biggest mistake people make is trying to rush through the process. You think as soon as you deal with everything you will be ready to move on. And you won't. You just won't have anything distracting you from your feelings anymore."
"The Service wants an answer today on how I want to handle her things."
"Do you know what you want to do?"
"I'm not sure."
"May I make a suggestion?"
"Of course!"
"Don't."
Sarah looked a little shocked. "But didn't you?"
"I did. Which is why I'm telling you don't. Or if you do, maybe use a professional to help. I have the number of a reputable firm. Workers are fully bonded and vetted, and paid well so there isn't the temptation to steal that other companies have seen. They have a whole process. They start with AI, of course, there is too much to look through without it, but anything that is sorted out gets reviewed by a specialist before it is discarded. And everything that is left is also reviewed by human eyes and sorted out for you to deal with as you choose."
"Did you use a professional to help?"
"I didn't. They weren't an option when Mom died. It was too new. Mom was one of the first who had signed on for The Service at all, back when it was voluntary. She always loved being cutting edge with things. Said it kept her young. I don't think she had thought through what would happen to her storage when she died though. In fact, I actually know it never crossed her mind. She just thought it would be nice to be unburdened from so much stuff. To have a little more breathing room for new adventures."
"Julie did it too right?"
"She did. And I don't think she'd mind me sharing this, but she'd say don't do it as well."
"But didn't it help her get some closure? That's what they say it does."
"So, you know how Julie always said her mom liked her sister best? That it was clear there was a favorite child?"
"Oh, did looking through the storage confirm that? How awful."
"Worse. It wasn't that Julie's sister was her mother's favorite, it was that her mother never cared for Julie. She tried to not show it, but she just never liked her. Can you imagine finding that out when you were already dealing with this loss?"
"Holy shit. That's terrible."
"So, yeah, it brought Julie some closure. It explained to her why nothing she ever did was good enough for her mother. It made her understand that she wasn't wrong in feeling like there was a distance there. But it also devastated her for the longest time. She has said if she could go back she would have just worked through it all in therapy without the hard and fast knowledge that her own mother just never liked her."
"Is that why you...I'm sorry, that's really personal."
"It is. And I will say that my mother liked me just fine. But there are some things about your parents that they never tell you. And you are better off for it. Imagine if Tyler knew everything you'd ever done, felt, thought. Would you want that for him? Would you want him to know about the first time we made Mississippi mud brownies for example?"
"Oh god no...that would be awful for him."
"So my advice is just don't. Or if you must, use a professional. A good cleaning service. It will cost you more, but it might cost you a lot less if you know what I mean."
"So if you had the chance you'd do it differently?"
"I'm going to be really honest here. If I knew what I know now I would have just had it all thrown out. But knowing myself, if someone had come to me and said what I'm saying to you, I still would have done it. I would have thought that there was nothing there that would hurt me more than I was hurting right then. That getting those extra moments with my mother, because that's how they describe it, right? Like having more time with them, I would have thought it was worth it."
"But you don't know what's in there without looking right?"
"And you can never unsee what is there if you do."
"Fuck."
"Yeah, here," Deborah pulled out her phone and sent Sarah a text, "This is the name and number of the cleaning service I recommend. Their people will scour everything, and at the end of every work day they themselves are cleaned of any work files before they ever leave. Work stays at work. No memories are transferred. It's the safest way to do it in my opinion. They know how to contact The Service to get all the access they need as soon as you sign the contract. Just one less thing to worry about. If you don't just tell The Service to trash everything, that is."
"If I trash it all, then I lose it all."
"Do you? Tell me your favorite memory of your mom."
"That's hard, I have so many."
"See? You have so many. Your memories of her. You won't lose those."
"I'll think about it. Thank you for being honest."
"Of course. And I will keep coming around, and calling, and texting. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but for awhile at least, you are going to get the full court love bomb. Deal with it."
Sarah laughed again then hugged her friend. "I think I can deal with that."
Deborah left a while later after doing a sinkful of dishes and changing the sheets in the guestroom to get it ready for Sarah's aunt to come in for the funeral. She hoped that Sarah would take her advice and if she didn't trash all the files at least have a cleaning service go through them first.
You can't unring a bell, you can't unsee a file.