Distilled...

We gave up our Winterhawks season tickets. For me, it had been a long time coming. For Brent, not so much. During the pandemic I made the mistake of paying attention to the fan base, what they posted about playing and masking and attendance. We had already experienced a bit of the "we aren't like this" disconnect when we joined the booster club for a bit. There were a few people who lined up with us politically and quite a few who didn't.

Which you would think wouldn't matter. You are watching hockey, who cares how you voted. Right? You would think that but a few of them really needed you to know their politics.

And man once the pandemic hit there wasn't a lot of separation of your politics and every single damn thing you do. Then you add the reactions from the fan base during Pride events and...

We just aren't like that.

And I couldn't find a pocket of liberal fans to sit with. I was surrounded by people who pissed me off every single game. Either the guy who got overly excited or overly pissed off if the anthem singer used the old lyrics or the new ones for Canada's anthem (in all thy sons or in all of us), to the people swearing at the kids (I know you're shocked I have a problem with swearing, right? But I don't swear at the kids, because they are, you know kids, hell I even try my best not to swear at the refs because one, they are just doing the best they can, and two there are other people's kids in the stands and I don't know what their language rules are). And then the part I've always had issue with, I'm not a believer that fighting has to be part of the game. And especially not in juniors. Head injuries are a problem in hockey just from playing, adding fighting to it and it's a recipe for long term damage.

Then you add that to people just getting drunk and obnoxious and loudly talking about how fucked up Portland is and it wasn't fun to go to a game. The games themselves are fun. The players are playing their hearts out and it's fun. But the game experience, for me, wasn't great. Brent was able to block it all out and I was not. So it was less and less enjoyable for me. And finally because it wasn't enjoyable for me, it wasn't enjoyable for Brent. Not that I was making him miserable, but you don't ever enjoy something as much if you know your partner doesn't enjoy it.

We were talking about it, about giving them up and I said that I hadn't had as much fun since the pandemic and Brent said it's worse now. Your language around it is much stronger. And then he pointed out that he believes it's because I'm always a little on edge now. I'm like the Incredible Hulk, my secret is, I'm always angry.

And that's the truth.

I have always believed that as we age we distill into more and more of who we are. I thought for a long time that my base might just be kind and mellow and all of the anger burned off. And I was going to become a sweet old lady.

Oops.

Nope. Looks like I am who I was when I was a teenager. I am either your best friend or the bane of your existence and you get to choose that adventure.

I'm kind at heart. I have always worked toward that. I don't punch down. I'm not unpleasant to you unless and until you earn it. But once you do, I have no patience for you and you can miss me with all of your bullshit. And if you bring it to me, I will do my best to make you miserable.

I told Brent that I guess I'm just mean now. He corrected me. I'm not mean. I'm angry. And my anger is righteous.

And that's the truth. When I was a teenager my anger was misplaced. I was angry because of things that had happened to me. Justifiable. I believe that. But I lashed out at people that didn't always deserve it. And I also kept myself really guarded to keep from getting hurt more, and to keep from hurting others, because I knew I was often one more drink away from destroying everything around me.

That's the other difference. I don't drink now. Even when I do choose to drink, I don't drink much. One drink. Maybe two drinks. If we were on vacation and I knew I was only going to be spending time with Brent I might have three in a day. But if I had to face the public? One. That's enough thanks. Or I guess you should thank me.

So I'm not distilling into what I thought I might, but I am distilling into who I have always been. I'm kind. I'll always be kind. But I'm also angry. And that's always simmering under the surface.

I'm distilling into the pure essence of me. And surprisingly it's the same as it was when I was a teenager. Just with the kind part being the outwardly facing part, and the anger being the surprise center.

Good Denise still steers, but Bad Denise is riding shotgun and she's got a few things to tell you...