Failing...

You all know how much I hate to fail. I really hate it. I love a gold star. I love goals. I love stretch goals. I love to pretend they are the patriarchy and smash them all.

But right now I'm failing hard.

And I hate it.

I've been trying and trying to figure out how to disconnect. To stop the doom spiral in my head. To just get some peace from it. But at 2 or 3 AM I'm still staring at the ceiling thinking dark thoughts about how many Luigi's we need to solve our current crisis. What the exact date will be for the start of the next Civil War. How long people will decide that being mean to trans women is enough to sustain them when they are watching Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security disappear into the pockets of billionaires.

I keep telling everyone to find the joy. And I swear I'm trying myself. I'm doing my little meditations. I'm still practicing gratitude. I'm looking at sunsets and sunrises. I'm petting the cats. I'm laughing with Brent. I'm doing all of that...but it's like trying to hold on to a puff of smoke. When I look at my hands it's gone.

It's constant and consistent.

Watching the Four Nations Tournament this week and it was excellent hockey. Like some of the best we've all seen in a long time. Just so good. And toward the end of the championship game they showed a little film they made where they spliced the speech from Miracle into footage of the US players in the locker room. I told Brent that was cute, but we're the Russians now. Then Canada won in overtime and I said, see?

I mean, I was disappointed the US team lost. For a second. Because I want to root for the US team in international sports. I'm rooting for the USWNT right now in the SheBelieves Cup. But...

I wonder how long it will be that we are invited to play in international competition. When will it be us and Russia and North Korea playing each other because we are not welcome in polite society?

I want to cheer for American players because I'm American. But I cannot cheer for America right now because we are the bad guys. We are failing as a country. We are failing as a force for good in the world. We are nothing to be proud of.

As a country.

As individuals? That's a different story. The pockets of people saying this is wrong are growing. The people who are not willing to comply in advance are getting louder about their resistance. The people willing to put it on the line in spite of knowing that Trump and his lot will come for them is inspiring.

That is the America I'm proud of. And the America I cannot disengage from. I need those moments of fight to sustain myself. So I guess instead of trying to find joy and peace in disengagement I need to keep seeking out those moments and those people who echo my WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE sentiment and keep going.

Gold stars for each day we survive and fight.

And let me be clear, fight however you can. If it's going to a protest, if it's not spending money with companies that don't reflect your American values, if it's making sure people know when and where to vote in local elections, if it's writing your congress people, if it's writing a blog that three people will read, if it's listening to your friends who just need to know they aren't going insane, if it's calling a Nazi salute a Nazi salute when the media calls it a "controversial gesture", however you can fight, fight.

And if it's disengaging so you can stay healthy and sane, that's a fight as well and I wish you nothing but strength in that fight.

I believe in Americans, even if I don't believe in America right now.