Fearful...

I think a large part of being a parent is learning to live with fear. Real fear. Not just jump scare at a movie, or creepy feeling in a dark hallway fear, but real fear.

I can remember the day we came home from the hospital and looking down at this tiny little baby and thinking, "What were they thinking letting me leave the hospital? I have no idea what I'm doing!" I had read books, sure. I had babysat my nephew from the time he was born, absolutely. But there had been no test, no quiz, nothing to make sure I actually knew what I was doing before we left the maternity ward. Just "Here's your baby, good luck!"

And we had some issues. Her bilirubin levels were very high which led to multiple doctor's visits and blood tests. My milk didn't come in which ended up leading to finally giving her formula so she wouldn't starve. And the whole time I was thinking, "I have no idea what I'm doing here" and Brent, who had even less experience around babies than I did, was looking to me to have answers to his questions as well.

But we made it. And moved on to other fears, less the keeping her alive parts and more the making sure she thrived parts. And then we finally reached a point where most of the fearful parts were over. Some low key worry at times, but mostly not. Grown-up, had a decent job, everything seemed like it had worked out and we were smooth sailing.

Then she came out as trans and a whole other world of fear opened up.

And just like sitting on the couch the first day I brought her home from the hospital and thought that I had no idea how to do this, I had no idea how to keep her safe, I was right back there. Sitting on a different couch, looking at my "baby" and realizing I had no idea how to do this. I had no idea how to keep her safe. We went from her playing the game of life on the easy setting with all the cheat codes enabled to the hardest setting where a whole new set of dangerous traps opened in areas where she had been safe.

The first fears were around acceptance. How would family and friends take it? Were the people in our lives really the people I hoped they were? For the most part they were. There were a few surprises, in both directions, some people I thought wouldn't bat an eye did, and some people I thought would have issues didn't. All in all it was a positive experience for her, I think. To be fair I had weeded my garden years earlier of the majority of the transphobes during the great Bathroom Bill debates. Back when people were actually pushing back against trans hate. Remember those days? So when she came out, when we told everyone, it was mostly met with support.

Still a lot of fear. But we were living under a different administration and so it was all going to be okay... (you can hear Ron Howard's voice now too, right? It was not okay.)

The world has gotten more dangerous for her since then. The fear is a constant drumbeat to our lives. Quieter at times, louder at others. The president last night thought that comparing a reporter to a famous trans woman was great slam joke. Just that, the comparison on how much they looked alike. So hilarious. Except, well, the trans woman he compared her to is actually gorgeous and so ha?

A basketball player, bench player, not a superstar, has gotten a ton of press this week for her "it's not anti trans, it's just all love" statements. She's already a MAGA darling and this is just setting her up to get more money and attention. Like the swimmer who has made a living off of coming in 5th in a race. If you aren't good enough to be a star, at least you can become one by slamming trans women.

I live with the drumbeat of fear because of people like them. The women who carry the poisoned water for the administration, and the people in actual power who pour it out for the masses to drink.

After the last election Katie made the decision to stay in the country, even though he ran on a very anti trans agenda, and started targeting trans people immediately. Because she made the decision to stay, I made the decision to stay, because Katie and I made the decision to stay Brent made the decision to stay. Now we are waiting. If the midterms go well we will hang tight and hope for the best. Still hoping our little sea of blue protects her as much as possible. (Oregonians, I know you don't like her much, but Kotek needs to beat Drazan. She just does.)

On the other hand, if the midterms are a mess, a disputed, authoritarian, takeover, then we will have a family meeting and discuss the changes and what needs to happen. If we can get Katie and Amber someplace safe, there are other options for Brent and I where we can go, and we can just visit them. Looking at you, Canada. Canada doesn't want us, we're too old, but they have talked about taking trans refugees so maybe we can get them up there. We just would need them someplace safer than they are here. That would be the priority.

I will always have the fear. Fear that our anti trans hate, the UK's anti trans hate, is a virus that continues to spread and isn't contained. I will always worry when the girls are travelling and those moments they are under complete federal jurisdiction in the airport. Everytime the ignorant target trans people to distract the masses from what and who is actually causing their problems.

The fear is real.

I think a large part of parenting is learning how to live with fear.

Even now.

Especially now.