How Are You?

I was talking to a friend yesterday and we got off on "the state of the world today" and I laughed and said that it was amazing I had any friends at all. I am always the one who is having the "the world is burning down around us" conversations. Like we can be talking about anything and I have a yeah, for sure, did you know that... horror to add.

My friend said, "But you do it in such a kind and happy way." Which was hilarious. But I got what she was saying. I predict the end of civilization with a smile and really all anyone wants these days is someone to smile at them. Well that and they want someone who sees them.

That was the other thing she mentioned; she's a really lovely person. Like I've never heard anyone say a bad word about her. She's kind, she's thoughtful, she's just genuinely a love. But she said when most people ask her how she is she says, "I'm fine. Fine." and moves on and they are fine with the answer and they move on too. When I ask she says, "I'm fine." and I say, "Well that was a pretty deep sigh for fine, you want to try that answer again?" And she does.

I don't expect her to be perfect. I don't expect her to be 100% happy, even though she is really happy. I don't expect her life to be easy. She has four kids, three of them still in elementary school and one early adulthood. Her husband is a doctor on call for a hospital 50 miles away from their house. She also is trying to run her own business in the hours the kids are at school. She has a lot on her plate and if everything were truly always fine and she was never overwhelmed I'd say that cocaine is a hell of a drug.

When I was in high school a friend of mine would say, "You don't really want to know, you're just asking because it's social convention." when people would ask him how he was doing. Which on one hand, rude, and on the other, mostly true. There is an exchange that's supposed to happen. "How are you?" "I'm fine, and you?" "Good, good." and that's it. We're done. You can insert a few variances in there but it's not really supposed to be an actual accounting of how you are.

My answer right now is "As well as can be expected" or some variation. "Good all things considered." Or even a laugh that conveys the "How in the hell do you think I am as the horrors persist??" But even those answers aren't deep discussion on how I am. It's not meant to be an actual question. It's a social convention.

But it's one that has led us to not really seeing each other. To thinking that the social media curated life is the one that is actually being lived. That houses are always clean, children are always well behaved, cats never puke in your shoes and dogs never chew up the corner of the couch. Your hair is always perfect and that color is always great on you. We are filtering even when we #NoFilters our photos. What we show is not who we are. And we don't tell a lot of people who we are either.

I'm happy to be the person for her that can hear about the stuff that isn't perfect and lovely and that she doesn't feel like she has to make up a sanitized version of her life to be loved. And I'm happy to be the person who can talk about the horrors of persisting with a joke and a laugh.

It's a weird skill set, but it's mine.