I Forgive You...

Or not.

I mentioned that part of my year long hold on to joy with both hands was using the daily positive thoughts book as a sort of devotional. I read their thought or quote, I think about it and then I write just a couple lines down about it.

Earlier this week I wrote. Nope. That was the first line. Nope. Then I wrote a little more. But it was important to me that my first thought was captured.

It was a MLK Jr. quote and though I'm not usually one to say the good Reverend Doctor King as wrong, I don't happen to fully agree with him here.

"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies."

And I think maybe I do agree with him, but I don't agree with the way this is normally presented. I agree that we should all have the capacity to forgive. That we should all know we have that power. We can gift someone with our forgiveness.

BUT

You don't have to forgive someone. And not forgiving does not mean you are devoid of the power of love. Or that you are somehow at fault. You do not owe someone your forgiveness.

You especially do not owe someone who has not done the work to correct the wrong your forgiveness. You absolutely do not ever have to forgive someone who has wronged you, or continues to wrong you, who won't even admit to the wrong. Or does nothing to correct the behavior but gives you a "I said I was sorry!"

You don't owe someone forgiveness even if they apologize. You get to decide if you give them that.

And I get it, people will say it's a gift you give yourself. That you let that go. I'm here to tell you that you can let go of the hurt they caused you, you can let go of it affecting your life now, and still never forgive them. Some people will say, I forgive but I don't forget. If you are holding on to the memory is that really forgiveness? I don't think so. And, again, I think that's fine. Sometimes the damage someone has done is unforgivable. You are not going to be able to forget it. You aren't going to be able to move on from it. And that's your choice.

So don't let anyone, not even when the use the memory of MLK Jr, try to guilt you into accepting an apology and granting forgiveness when you don't feel it.

Now the second half of the quote I'll agree with. There is good and bad in everyone. Almost everyone has done something that would disappoint you. I've written about how everyone is a hypocrite at different times. How we all hold conflicting ideas in our heads and act on them. How we are all complicated and challenging. That I agree with.

I also think that it helps to not view people with different ideologies as your enemy. I think a lot of where we are as a nation right now came from attacking people instead of ideas. From Newt Gingrich giving the marching orders that Republicans were to refer to Democrats as the enemy in speeches. That they were to stop having lunch with them or being friendly with them. To use words like evil when discussing them in the press.

Eventually after a generation people forgot it was just a tactic he wanted to use and decided that Democrats were evil. Watch right wing news. Demon Rats. That's one of my favorites. And when just saying oh feeding the poor is evil stopped working they made up stories. Pedophile rings in the basement of pizza shops. Child trafficking through orders on Wayfair. Attacks in bathrooms.

Once you other a group and demonize them then it's easier to say you have to stop them by whatever means necessary. And the people that are truly evil, the ones who only want money and more of it, the ones that would shut down the government because there are programs for poor people instead of just profits for the rich, those people? They are able to take control by repeating the lies that trans women are dangerous. That people on food stamps are driving Mercedes that they somehow bought with food stamps, don't ask too many questions. That the biggest threat to your life right now is the migrant looking for a better life instead of the billionaire preventing you from getting one. That the Nazi salute you clearly saw was not one at all, don't be silly.

Say the other side is evil and you are free to truly be evil and they will never notice.

Gingrich started the ball rolling on all of that.

And for that I will never forgive him.