I'm a Sucker for...

a new vacuum.

Okay, the pun was intended, but it's also true.

Of all the weird things in my life my search for the perfect vacuum is probably near the top of the list.

Right now I currently own four vacuums. We have the robot vacuum (Roborock, much better than Roomba) that runs daily through the house to try and keep on top of two people with very long hair and two cats who should by all rights be bald considering the amount they shed. I've got a nice Miele canister vacuum that I bought when we lived in the townhouse because it does hardwood and carpets equally well. I've got a Shark stick vacuum that is great for quick vacuuming without having to haul out the Miele (which now that almost all of the surfaces are hard surfaces with a few throw rugs does not get a lot of use). And I've got a Dyson that is supposed to be a special pet hair miracle worker which I got to replace my handheld Bissell that died last year.

And that's just currently. Through our 39 years together I've gone through probably a hundred vacuums. The old upright I brought into the marriage followed by more uprights, then canisters, then sticks, then handhelds, indoor outdoor shop vacs. The latest brands, the tried and trues. The Kenmore that was perfect but the powerhead on the attachment kept breaking and finally Sears stopped making the replacement. Yet another way Sears has disappointed me through the years. Though I guess now Kenmore is seperate from Sears so maybe I should look at them again. Maybe.

Anyway, I am constantly looking for that miracle vacuum. The one that isn't too loud, isn't too heavy, is great on all surfaces, and the holy grail; is great at picking up cat hair from furniture.

The Dyson I bought this year was supposed to be that vacuum. It's been on my list for a long time as the "next one to try" but I always talked myself out of it because Dyson's are fucking expensive. But my handheld pet hair removing miracle working Bissell died this year and as I searched to see how to fix it I found out that I couldn't. That it's a known problem. They work wonderfully for about 2 1/2 years and then they die. It's a battery thing apparently, but you can't replace the battery so the whole unit is kaput. Mine lasted for 3 years so I guess, bonus? Anyway, I decided that instead of replacing the Bissell every three years it would make sense to step up to the Dyson that I really wanted anyway.

Folks, it has a special roller bar that hair won't wrap around. When you have hair like mine and like Brent's that's a big deal. Brent has to take the brush on the robot vacuum apart and pull out the wrapped hair every week or so. It has a special attachment for furniture that is designed to lift pet hair out of the fabric. And Costco had it on sale. Still expensive but now only expensive instead of expensive as fuck.

And...

Oh my god it sucks so much. And not in the good way that a vacuum is supposed to suck. It's an average if I'm feeling generous vacuum on all other surfaces but the Shark is probably just as good. The only thing it has over the Shark is a lower profile so I can fit it under a few more pieces of furniture. But it does not do what it's supposed to do with the cat hair. The cat hair mocks it. So I'm forced to use my Chonka Chonka and my hair removal sponge instead.

Yes, along with the plethora of vacuums I have three other hair removal tools at my disposal and yet my house is still completely covered with hair. Not a week goes by that I don't think I'll just shave everyone bald and resort to hats and sweaters for all of us.

But the Dyson was a special sort of disappointment. I had talked myself out of it so many times even though the reviews were solid and the marketing was chef's kiss. I was so sure it was going to be great that I would think about it when I was using my vacuums. "I bet the Dyson would be able to get the couches clean with one pass." Or "Oh I bet that curved attachment would be great here for getting the cleaning head under the cabinet." That Dyson took on mythical proportions in my head.

And I did mention it was expensive right?

I probably should have just packed it right back up and taken it back for a refund after the first time I used it. But I was pretty sure it was me that was doing something wrong, I mean this was the DYSON. This was the ONE. I looked online for tips and tricks and I tried different angles and techniques. And nope, it just doesn't work as well as the less than a hundred dollars Bissell handheld did.

So now I'm trying to decide if I keep using it, maybe replace the Shark and turn it into our new stick, quick clean up, or if I send it to the second hand shop and pretend I never bought it while continuing the search for cleaning perfection.

And you want to know what makes all of that that you just read even weirder?

I hate to vacuum. Since shag carpeting and shag rakes went away there is no joy in it. There is no moment where you look and think, Yeah that looks great. There is just the second between the vacuum going over a spot and the cat hair in the air landing on it again. Because, folks, there is ALWAYS more cat hair in the air.

But I think it's my hatred for vacuuming that makes me continually search out the perfect vacuum. The one that is good on hard surfaces and rugs. The one that is a monster at removing cat hair from furniture. The one that isn't too loud or too heavy. The one that is so incredible it makes people want to come over to my house to try it and I never have to vacuum again...

Is that too much to ask? I think not.

Okay, probably.

But it should at least pick up the damn cat hair!