Just a Bunch of Random Updates...

Like the title says, just a bunch of random updates today.

I want to get back into the habit of consistent writing, but I've had a hard time finding topics to discuss that aren't just a repeat of me screaming into the void right now. I'm working on it. So until then I'll catch you all up on what's been going on in my world lately.

Bummer thing first. Just cleared the bird's nest from the big planter. As you remember we went from four eggs to a dead baby tossed out of the nest to yesterday I checked it and there was a dead baby in the nest and no signs of anything else. I don't know what happened to the other two eggs. Brent is optimistic that they made it and we just didn't notice them fledge since we were trying our best to give the nest as much space as possible. I'm going to go with that. Fifty percent survival rate isn't great but it's better than all souls lost, right?

So now I can see about rehabbing the plants in there and see if those just need pulled out and start again or if they are going to make it.

Speaking about rehabbing. I'm not sure about my achilles. Some days I think yeah, this is better, some days I think this has been waste of my time and Brent's money. I have a few more weeks of PT and then a follow up appointment with the doctor in mid June. He had said I could try shock wave therapy if this doesn't work but I have some questions for him on that before I decide. Basically if it's going to start me all over from the beginning again in the boot I'm going to say probably not. At least for now. Insurance doesn't cover it so there is no harm in waiting a few months to try if I change my mind. I just want to get back to working out a little more intensely.

Which rolls us into the whole am I going to lose weight or just give up again and say well we've hit a new normal. I had a date in my head for when I just resigned myself to the fact that the weight I hit when my thyroid failed is just now my new weight, but I was losing a little when I had to slam on the brakes with workouts so I think I'm going to extend my deadline by a couple of months and see what happens. If the weight starts to come down, great. If it doesn't then I will get rid of the clothes I have put aside and just start rebuilding a wardrobe at this new size. I've made due for the winter with loose pants around the house and a couple pairs of jeans but I'm about sick of those things so we will see how it goes. I either need to be able to fit into my old wardrobe or start with a new one before I end up in the corner of the closet screaming I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!

Which, I mean, I still have plenty to wear. I'm just tired of it all.

Which rolls us into being tired of it all. I'm continuing to whittle down my follows and newsletters. I need to figure out a space to be in where I'm not just so angry all of the time. Not that the anger isn't justified. Not that it's getting better here. At all. Not that being angry about the downfall of our country isn't the proper response. But...it's not good for people to be angry all the time. It just eats you up inside. And I need to find some way to not have that happen. So I've been working on the whittle down to just a few solid news sources and then refill with things that are positive but not so positive they feel out of touch.

Do you understand that? Like things that were written in the "before" sometimes feel a little crazy making to read. The things we depended on are gone or are being destroyed. So reading books about advancements in science are depressing because the government agencies and grants that were funding and fueling those movements are gone. The progress that was being made in alternative fuel sources is being destroyed so reading about the advancements in storage in batteries for solar power or wind power feels depressing instead of interesting.

So yeah, walking that line to find things that are still optimistic and positive without make me roll my eyes and think....yeah BEFORE.

And the last thing. I just can't wrap my head and heart around moving to New Mexico. It was always going to be a stretch. New Mexico comes with a lot of baggage in a normal timeline. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that I can't leave Katie right now. I would make myself sick being farther than a drive away from her. It's not rational. She's an adult. We don't see each other all that often. She has her own life and her own social circle. She is living her life as fear free as possible. BUT... fear isn't rational and right now what I have for my daughter is a constant level of fear.

I told Brent there is no good answer for me. Staying here puts a lot of pressure on him. Leaving puts me far away from her. Since there is no good answer I went with the one that I think will make me the least miserable. Which in turn will make him the least miserable (at least in theory). We are already dealing with the financial uncertainty of living here. Not moving just doesn't alleviate it. There is no change. But moving adds other stressors that seem to me would be worse. Now, that's because humans are terrible at predicting the future. We think we would be more miserable or happier than we actually end up being. But I still am coming down on the side of not leaving here.

And the other part of the financial worry we still don't know. We won't know for another few months probably. Intel is going to make changes, but they haven't said where or how many or who just yet. So we are in limbo. Which is a terrible space to be. It makes my head hurt and I know it is making Brent even more stressed. He has his own stress, my stress, and the stress of his entire team that he is dealing with. It's a lot. Hopefully it all goes well for us and we just continue plugging along. That's all I can do is hope.

So there are all of the random updates. If I forgot something you were wondering about let me know. And if you have any ideas for blogs let me know that too. I want to write. I just don't want to whine. Or scream. Or add to your own anger or feelings of uncertainty.

It's a lot to ask right now.

I know.

Stay safe.
Stay sane.
Do the best that you can.