No, You Don't...

Looking through old birthday blogs this week trying to nail down when I started the hashtags and I was struck by something super depressing. No, not that I'm fully past middle aged now. But that we've been living under the cloud of orange funk for over a decade if you count the campaign, and I do.

Ten plus years. With more to go. Not just his reign of terror but the existential dread of wondering if it will end. Will we be able to reclaim our democracy? And if we do what will be left? I mean, he's emptying the coffers and lining his pockets and the pockets of his family and all of his enablers. What will we be able to claw back to set things right?

And what of all of our systems that he's torn down, or shown to be nothing more than paper tigers in the first place, will we be able to repair?

What will be left if we get a chance to remove the orange stain from our lives? And, again, will we be able to? You all know that there is a big part of me that feels like the last election was our last chance. That if he won it was lights out, the party's over. And even though we've seen some pushback, and some victories, it's still so much disaster that it's hard to believe it will ever be okay again. At least in my lifetime.

So as I thought about how long it's been I also could see the arc of changes. What worried me originally, what came to pass, and how people are reacting to it. Actually reacting to it. Not what they said they'd do, or what we all thought we'd do, but what actually happened.

What happens when you are living under a budding authoritarian regime?

And here is my big takeaway. You don't know until it happens. You only think you know.

I mean, look at me. The changes over a decade have been big and small. In the past I wrote a lot about gun control and my stance as to what needed to happen in the US. I still believe in most of the things that I wrote. The one thing that changed? Where I wrote that I didn't own a gun and never would. Now I do.

During the first round of Trump during the Black Lives Matter protests we in Portland got to see that our local police force was in contact with the Proud Boys and Patriot Prayer and giving them information about protestors, and safe pathways in and out of the city. Really lets you know that not all of us are going to be able to count on the police. Which, I mean, I always knew. Anyone who grew up in Albuquerque should have been super familiar with that, but I hadn't ever felt like it was an active danger to me before that. White privilege to be frank.

But during that stretch that veil of safety did not hold. So we armed and trained and now I'm part of the armed America instead of the unarmed. I still believe in registration and classes and insurance. All of those things still stand. I own a gun safe and trigger locks and everything is as safe as it could be. Until and unless it needs to stop being safe.

So that changed.

First round with Trump I was more willing to listen to people who voted for him. To believe that they were stupid. And yes, I know you're not supposed to say they are stupid but as I explained to them stupid is the kind thought. They were either so stupid that they believed a consummate liar that he was going to make their lives better economically or they weren't stupid and they saw the racism and sexism as a bonus and voted for him because they were hateful. So first round I was more willing to think they were idiots.

Second go round? No. You know who he is. You know what he is. You know who he is surrounding himself with. If you want to say you voted for him because of the price of eggs I will tell you to fuck off and keep fucking off until you can fuck off no further. And I did. Fuck you is a perfectly valid response to someone saying they voted for Trump in my book. And I used it.

So that changed.

As you all know I am not a joiner. I don't like people breathing my air or standing in my space. Seeing big protest crowds always made me proud of the people who were willing to stand up, and also think, fuck no, that's a LOT of humanity in one space. And this go round I've been going to protests. Making sure the numbers look large enough for notice. To give people who maybe can't make it out confidence that they aren't alone. As the signs say things are so bad even the introverts are here. First go round I was just a letter writer, second go round, letter writer and curb stander. And making sure my workouts are strong enough that I can cause some damage if and when the time comes to punch a few Nazis.

Okay, so maybe that part hasn't changed so much as focused. I actually remember the first day I went to the gym after the first time he was elected and realizing that I needed to make sure I was always strong and ready to protect myself and others. I wore my badass socks and bumped all of my weights by 10%. Now I contemplate getting my heavy bag back but have so far stuck with just making sure if I needed to fight I wouldn't break a hip instantly.

So the joining protests has changed. The standing out in public in a crowd has changed.

And the last thing that has changed is my tolerance for people telling me what I should be doing and what I should be paying attention to. People in other countries telling all of us that we should all be in the streets everyday makes me roll my eyes, for instance. I mean, I get it, you wonder how can you not care? How can you not do anything? And well, we do care. We are doing things. But we can't all take to streets constantly.

In the United States we aren't unionized, for the most part. And we also have our health insurance tied to our jobs. If everyone takes to the streets, it's not a general strike, it's a mass firing event. So people lose their jobs, their income, and their health insurance. And, I'm sorry, that's not an option for most people. So my advice for people in other countries is don't let your current government whittle away at your current benefits. Don't let them convince you that privatization of health care is a good thing, for instance. Don't let them sell you on "right to work" laws and how unions are a burden instead of a benefit. Where the US is right now has been a multi decade work. We didn't just get here one escalator ride ago. We are just in the end game now so even people who thought some of us were crazy radicals 20 years ago can now see that oh wait we had a point. Don't be like us.

For those in the States who do the "Why do you care about X when Y is an issue?" can also fuck off. Your number one issue might not be mine. So you focus on your area and I'll focus on mine and hopefully we can both move the needle and make it all better all around. Right now there are a LOT of issues. And a LOT of areas where you could focus, but you cannot focus on everything. There just isn't enough bandwidth. And honestly, you'll make yourself sick.

Basically you don't know how you would react until you're in it. That's the biggest thing that's changed. I really thought I had an idea how I would deal with it if it came. But who could imagine all of this? So how in the world could you have known? None of us did.

So give yourself grace. Give other people grace. And do what you can.

Fingers crossed we are nearing the end of the tunnel and the light isn't an oncoming train.

Check your registration early and often. Be ready to vote. And then be as ready as you can be for what comes next.

Good luck to us all.