Pride Goeth Before...

...the summer?

Okay, maybe that's not how it goes, but it's Pride month and it's almost summer so I'm saying that counts.

Yesterday we went to the No Kings Day protest in Beaverton (I'll write about it later, Pride Goeth Before that post!) and we met friends of friends of ours. One of the things we talked about was how we took Katie's coming out process and I mentioned that I wrote about it. I sent them the links to those pieces (here if you want to read them again) and reread them myself.

One of the things that was interesting to me was that I wasn't using bisexual at that point to describe myself. It was three years ago but I had forgotten how recently I was like, Okay, yes, this is my label. I described myself as bisexual, but made clear that I didn't use the label.

Because I didn't feel like I had earned it.

Which is so fucked up.

It's internalized homophobia really. I had listened to too many people say that basically I wasn't gay enough so I didn't get to be gay at all. Anyone who is on any of the fluidity spectrums gets hit with that sort of nonsense. Not just in sexuality but in gender as well. Genderfluid people get hit with MAKE A CHOICE the same way that bisexual people do.

Well, we have made a choice. It's just not a binary one.

We still base sexuality and gender on the binary and it just isn't. So that fluidity can sometimes be discounted. You aren't hetero so then you have to be gay or a lesbian. One or the other. You aren't cis so then you have to present as your opposite all the time. Choose one or the other.

No, no, I don't think I will, thank you.

I live that heteronormative lifestyle. I am monogamous by nature. But the fact that my partner is male doesn't mean I'm straight. I present that way if you don't bother to ask, but that's not who I am.

We have friends who are trans who present in a variety of ways. Sometimes just acknowledging that they are trans is enough to feel better in their own heads. Like you might meet someone presenting as cishet who is trans. Just not for public consumption. Or you might see them one day presenting female and one day presenting male and one day a blend. Just depends how they feel that day. But they are always trans. What they wear, how they present, isn't who they are. Just like who I am married to doesn't make me hetero. Pants or a dress don't make them cis.

It's all fluid. None of it is binary. None of us are either this or that. It's a spectrum and people fall on different places in that spectrum. Gender and sexuality.

I will always say that cis women get the most freedom. Like I can wear jeans and t-shirt one day and a dress with strappy sandals another and nobody would even bat an eye. I've worn neckties and suit jackets and I've worn bustiers and miniskirts. And I'm not trans, I just have a lot more freedom of expression. But men have only just gotten to the point where they can wear nail polish and not have people freak out. There isn't the freedom there.

I've written about my label before. That it was Katie saying that not feeling gay enough to be bi is a hallmark of being bi so embrace it. That my friend Cami who is a great champion for fighting bi-erasure was always there saying we need people who are bi to stand up and proudly say that they are. It needs to be clear and respected I mean it's the B in LGBTQIA2S+. I have my own letter, I better use it! So now that I've fought for bi acknowledgement for others, and finally embraced it for myself it was funny to read something from only a few years ago where I was still like...yeah, sure I think Charlize Theron is fucking gorgeous but...

Being fluid is actually normal. Genderfluid. Fluid in your sexuality. It's just all part of the spectrum. And it's all normal.

And as always if you remember just one thing (okay two things) make them this. It's none of your business. And don't be rude. People don't have to tell you anything. You aren't owed their labels. But if they tell you what they are, respect them enough to use them. Use their pronouns, use their own labels.

It's easy to remember: it's none of my business, but if they tell me, don't be rude.

Happy Pride Month from the B!