Requests...

I sat in the chair in the darkened office repeating in my head "Please don't be anything serious. Please don't be anything serious." After a few minutes I thought, "Brent's cousin would say I was praying." Which I guess praying and begging and wishful thinking are all sort of the same thing. With one major difference of course...

Let me backup...

Friday as I was driving to my PT appointment I was having a weird issue with my vision. Everytime I would look to the side and back and I would get a flash of light. Sort of like when you stare at something bright and get that after image. But I hadn't been staring at anything bright. It was just looking to the side. I worried for a bit that I shouldn't have been so cocky a few weeks ago telling a friend that menopause seemed to have just ended my migraines completely.

Granted, it wasn't quite the visual disturbance that I would sometimes get before migraines, but I didn't really know what else it could be.

I went to my PT appointment and by the time I came home it seemed to be much better. But then I noticed a dark spot in my vision that just wasn't going away. It was like a sideways V shape. Dark thick bottom, lighter top line. And it was in the same spot. Just moved with my eye. Dark black, or blank spot, in my vision. Hunh.

So I went to Dr. Google. Which Brent was like NEVER GO TO DOCTOR GOOGLE! But in my defense I went to Dr. Google to see if I needed to call my actual doctor. And yeah, Dr. Google said, could be x, y, or z, but could be a detached retina so call your doctor immediately. So I called my doctor immediately. And they listened to my symptoms and said, "Come in Monday at noon. But if it gets worse go to the ER."

So I waited all weekend watching this dark spot in my eye trying to make sure it wasn't getting any worse. And getting a headache, but not a migraine, from it, or from the stress around it, or from something totally unrelated but still annoying. I told Brent I was going to be furious if it did end up being something serious like a detached or torn retina. I had things to do this week and getting surgery on my eye wasn't on the list.

Some of you who read Sunday's story have now moved on from how similar it was to Dana's Defective Soul to "Oh! Now I get it. Your warranty expired!" Because yeah, that's why that story got written. I feel like I missed some sort of factory update a few years ago and now everything is just falling apart. I'm like a Tesla, I used to seem cool but I have too many issues and my glue isn't holding anymore. But without the Nazi part.

So back to Monday. Sitting in a dark office waiting for the drops to work on my eyes and thinking over and over, "Please don't let it be anything serious" which then got me thinking about prayer. When I was religious I took a lot of comfort in praying. Part of the Christian religious sect I was part of was that prayer could be as formal (Our Father) or as informal (just a chat with God) as you wanted it to be. I, of course, was an informal chatter.

The comfort part when you were having a problem was that you felt like you were talking to someone who could control the outcome. The phrase was "handing it over to God." It's no longer a problem you need to worry about. He's got it now. Of course that didn't mean you were going to be okay, He's fickle like that. I mean ineffable. You couldn't see the plan but it was part of the plan and all that jazz.

Once I left the religion the habit of asking for help or chatting in my head was still there. I just didn't think it was going to anyone else but me. Saying please let this be okay is just saying please let this be okay. I don't think anyone else is listening in. I still think there is benefit in it though. Letting go of things you can't control. Don't worry about outcomes you have no way to influence. Instead of giving it up to God it's focusing only on things you can control.

The asking is just superstition. Or hope. You can take your pick. Same as telling someone "I hope you have a good day," or "I hope you enjoy your trip" or "Full and fast recovery!" those sorts of things. I don't believe that I actually have a way to make them happen but I still like to let people know I am thinking good thoughts for them. That people out in the world care about their wellbeing. And that care extends to me. Ask the universe to make it okay. It doesn't mean anything, but it lets me know I love me. (Corny, but it's important to show yourself the care you show others. It's why I smile at myself in the mirror.)

After a few rounds of eye drops, (my eyes were not dilating the way she wanted them to) my doctor gave me the all clear. They had taken a photo of my eye and she showed me on the eye where the dark spot is. It's a floater. Just a REALLY big one. She let me know that eventually my brain will disregard it and even though it will still be there, I won't notice it anymore. They come with age and with my particular vision issues. So yeah, I'm old. Yay.

The light flashes were mechanical. Dry eyes (allergy season don't you know) and when I was looking to the side it was pulling on the eye moving the vitreous fluid causing the flashes. Sort of like when you were a kid and you'd press on your closed eyes and see the color flashes? Same sort of thing. Not really there, just the way the eye works.

If the flashes of light happened while I was looking straight ahead and not moving my eye that would have been a clear sign of a detached or torn retina. BUT go to your doctor anytime you have sudden changes in your eyesight, folks, she did let me know that coming in was the right decision to make because usually, is not always and it still could have been a tear.

Now, if I was still religious I might chalk up the it's nothing to worry about diagnosis as answered prayer. Which makes me think that's how the whole thing actually got started. Someone asked for an outcome, got it, and instead of chalking it up to coincidence or happenstance decided that some deity or another had listened to them and shown them favor. I've talked before that that is why I have issue with people saying that prayer works when their cancer is cured, it makes it seem like people who die from cancer weren't good enough at praying. But yeah, that whole ineffable part. Fickle gods are fickle.

All's well that ends well. I am looking forward to when my brain starts ignoring this particular floater because it's just fucking annoying. I'm back to using eye drops to lubricate my dry eyes. The world keeps spinning. And I keep talking to nobody but myself in my head.

And if I see that warranty extension come through I'll make sure to sign up!