Sing, Sing a Song...

Portland has a really talented symphony. Brent and I go to at least one show every year and we've always enjoyed them. I think the first time we saw them we were surprised as much as anything. Portland is a good sized city but it's not massive so I think we were expecting the difference to be like Broadway and Local Theater.

Lower case t talented, but if you are Talented you go someplace else.

But the symphony here is really good. Capital T.

Technically our local theater is as good as the touring Broadway shows we get as well, in my opinion. Not as good as the original run, but on par with the touring show.

ANYWAY...

They do a pretty robust Christmas season. Over the years we've seen Storm Large do her holiday show with the symphony, we've seen them do classical Christmas, last year we did Holiday Brass and this year we picked up Gospel Christmas and Holiday Pops. Last night was Gospel Christmas.

As we were going in Brent told me if I needed to leave early to let him know. It's funny because I hadn't really even considered it being (and I sort of hate the word because it's been diminished so much over the years but) triggering. I mean sure, it's a gospel Christmas so it would be a more religious than a secular production. But I love a good gospel choir and most songs, even on secular radio, end up with a religious bent. I mean, it's Christmas so...

And I was raised in it. Steeped in it. My favorite Sunday all year was Christmas Cantata Sunday. (A Christmas Cantata is telling the Christmas story through song, and maybe a little bit of spoken verse, but mostly singing) Hoffmantown Baptist did such a good Christmas Cantata that Mom would even overlook the fact that they were Baptists and we would go every few years. That's how great a good Cantata can be.

And for the most part even though I still sing along with Angels We Have Heard on High and Go Tell it On the Mountain, I've pretty much divorced the songs from the church. They are just traditional Christmas songs. Like I can have a star or an angel in my house and not think of them as religious symbols. It's part of why it makes me laugh when they get on the War on Christmas jag every year. Christmas is everywhere. The religious and the secular symbols have melded into each other. And each person takes from it what they will. When I was little it was reading the Christmas story in Luke, when I was raising Katie it was Twas the Night Before Christmas. Still reading stuff with the family, just different stuff.

So basically, I wasn't really expecting it to be any sort of issue. But as is often the case Brent pays more attention to me than I do. Over the past few years my personal distancing from the church has become more and more disgust and anger toward it. And I know, for those of you who are still believers and want to tell me how it's hashtag not all churches, that's it's mainly a loud and wrong portion of the Evangelical movement. But...

That loud and wrong group has joined forces with the louder and more wrong Christian Nationalist movement and they have taken over my government. They are limiting my freedoms. They are attacking my daughter. They are justifying murder and mayhem in the name of their faith and I've gone past, "this is not for me, but if it brings you comfort..." to "fuck all of this and fuck you for trying to force it on me."

The anger is real.

And I will be honest the reason the anger is so strong is because of the fear. If you can convince someone that the evil they are doing isn't actually evil but God's Will? Well they will commit incredible atrocities with a smile on their face. And that's where we are. And it's terrifying. And infuriating.

So I was doing okay last night just a few twinges until the last song before the intermission. There was a soloist and she was singing and testifying and hit the line "No matter what you believe, no matter who you believe in, you will know that Jesus is King and you WILL bow your knee" and my jaw clenched. Then she moved on to "you OWE him your praise, if you woke up this morning with breath in your lungs, you OWE him your devotion." Brent said he could hear my eyes rolling. It went on for the rest of the song, people in the audience on their feet praise arms lifted, amening and hallelujahing.

Then the lights came up and Brent said, "Well you have a decision to make." I was all for staying through part of the second half, they were going to do Go Tell it On the Mountain and that's a favorite of mine that you don't hear very often. And the last three songs they were going to do were from Handel so those would be really nice but Brent convinced me that walking out in the middle of the second half if it got to be too much would be rude so it was really now or never. And the thought of sitting through more testifying made me physically react so it was now.

I will say if you are a fan of gospel music, go next year. You'll enjoy it. The choir is very talented. Really good sized so it's not at all overwhelmed by the orchestra. And like I mentioned, the orchestra is very talented so the music is lovely. If I weren't way past my toleration point with religion, say if we'd gone three years ago, I would have made a few jokes about the preaching on the drive home but it wouldn't have left me angry.

And I know, I willing went in to a Gospel Christmas so it's all on me. Which is why I left. I didn't complain to the venue. I didn't raise a stink. This was a call on my part and one I thought would be fine, but it just wasn't. I really thought I would be able to separate Church hate and Church music and I just can't anymore.

Maybe if in a few years the Church comes back to its senses and puts the Christ back in Christian I might revisit. Until then I think I'll be curating my carols a little more closely.