The Weight of it All...

The Ugh portion of the year in review...

I'm going to workout and increase my weights while also decreasing my weight. I don't know how much I'll decrease it, but I'm not happy with it right now so I'll work towards getting to a space where I am. I think now that my hormones are rebalanced (AGAIN!) that might be doable. We will see. Our family doctor hit Brent with the truth bomb that as we age when we lose weight our bodies sort of freak out and think we must be dying so they fight to hold on to it. I just need to convince my hips that we have a LOT of life in there. Star in my calendar on days I work out.

So 2025 dawned with hope and optimism! I was healthy, I was hormonally balanced! I was ready to increase my weights lifted and decrease my weight carried and...

I got off to a good start. I lost a few pounds and was working out pretty consistently. Well on my way. Then...

I decided to give it one more shot to try and fix a chronic achilles problem. The good news is that it worked. Like beyond my ortho's wildest dreams. He thought I'd get to a little bit better and instead I'm probably 90% healed. I still have a twinge every once in awhile but it's not chronic daily pain with bouts of PAIN. It's amazing. But it was a long recovery. And it set me back.

No problem. All healed up and start again. I lost a few pounds and was working out pretty consistently and then... My new gynecologist said, "You know we can try and completely wipe out your hot flashes if we increase your estrogen dose right? You're on like the lowest level we can give, I think we should double that amount and see what happens."

Which, yay! It has dropped my couple times a week still having night sweats back down to I am just a normally warm sleeper and if I eat too much sugar in a day yeah it will trigger a middle of the night heat session but wow this is great. And also I gained another few pounds on top of the few pounds I gained when I first went on estrogen.

And then we hit the doldrums the past few months where getting in a full workout has been a challenge. I just haven't wanted to. Now, that doesn't mean I haven't worked out but it means that I would swap in just cardio or just weights instead of both. Or I would work out three days a week instead of five. But even with that I would say that overall I hit my work out most days mark and I know that I increased my weight lifted on pretty much all of my lifts. My workout program tracks that so I can see where I increased.

But overall my weight is... flat. Like when I step on the scale tomorrow it will most likely be the same weight as it was on January 1. Which is on one hand infuriating. I mean...come on. And on the other at least I didn't gain anything. So yay?

But that leaves me with what do I want to do in 2026? Well...easy answer is I want to do what I wanted to do in 2025. Keep increasing my weight on my lifts while decreasing my weight I'm carrying. But how do I go about that? And that's the challenge.

I want to mix things up. I've been bored with my workouts and that's no bueno for motivation so I need to look at them differently. I also know that to actually lose any weight I need to look at my food. Am I eating the right balance of things? I bought a Oura fitness ring and am using a calorie/nutrient tracking program right now to see if that will help me out. It's a challenge to use the tracking program because it fits right into my disordered eating pattern to turn it into a how low can I go game. What I'm trying to do, working really hard to do, is not treat it as an overall calorie counter but as a nutrition counter. Am I eating the things that are the best for my health? Am I getting the right balance of foods? Is my "a little sugar is fine" actually a HOLY SHIT THAT'S A LOT OF SUGAR!

I've also been real upfront with Brent on the things I want him to keep an eye on with me. I know this is an area where I have struggled and will continue to struggle with so I need backup. I need someone who at any point can say, "Hey let me look at your food diary" or who is watching what I actually put in my body. I know that it's something that I cannot manage on my own. I used to be really ashamed about that, that I can't figure it out and just overcome it, but instead now I know it is just part of my wiring and what I have figured out is that it's okay to have someone else help me with it. And even if Brent will never understand why I can't just not do the crazy thing he is willing to be there to help me not do the crazy thing.

I also know that as Ozempic and the new now it's in a pill Ozempic are being advertised constantly it's not going to make my struggle with weight any easier. I have friends who are using it and have had incredible results. Significant weight loss and bouncing right out of prediabetes, or even diabetes, into just fine. And as the advertising for it ramps up, and the people I know who are successful on it ramp up, there is a part of my head that is like, I need that too. How much easier would it be to lose 20 pounds if I was using that? I mean, sure, I'd still workout and eat well and all of that but...come on, it's just a booster right?

But here is where my concerns are. One is that if you use it you have to keep using it. Once you go off it your appetite returns and your weight comes back. It's a lifelong decision to go on the medication. The next is that I don't really trust it. Like, I know that it works but it also works for gambling addiction and drug addiction and sex addiction and alcoholism. See a pattern?

They aren't exactly sure why it works but part of the theory behind it is that it shuts off that pleasure seeking portion of your mind. The one that in people without addiction issues works on its own. You get a little pop of yum or yay and then move on. But in addicted people you keep needing more and more to get that yay and it consumes you. Ozempic (and the others like it) shuts that down. People who are using it for weight loss say one of the things they notice is all of the "food noise" is gone. All of that chatter in their heads about what to eat next, or what might taste good, or when is my next meal, all of that shuts down.

Same thing happens with other addictions. The drive just shuts down.

Which, yay, great, that's wonderful...except...

What I worry about is are we creating a whole class of depressed people? If you are shutting down your pleasure centers in your head what is left? And for people with diabetes, or prediabetes, that trade off can be an absolute easy choice. But for someone with normal blood sugar who just wants to look better? Hmm ...maybe not. Especially considering I'm still gorgeous. Just heavier than I'd like to be. (HA!)

And I know from friends who are on it, the ones that didn't have that food chatter thing and are just using it to get their blood sugar under control something that happens is they just don't want to eat. Like can stand in a pantry staring at the food choices and nope back out. It's not fun to eat, it's not a crave thing to eat, it's not a drive to eat anymore. They have to really make sure they are focusing on eating enough.

See where I would be worried? That's exactly the disordered eating I crave. The I don't even need food. I can just nope out. Appetite suppressants in high school filled that niche. Pure stubbornness at other times has done it. Not eating is my favorite disease. It's the one I luxuriate in. Right up until the point where everyone around me realizes that I haven't eaten in days and I pass out or I get so thin I don't recognize myself in photographs. Or my hair starts to fall out. Or...or...or... as Brent says, Just don't do that part.

I think staying away from a drug that makes that part easier is probably a good idea for me.

(If my blood work changes I reserve the right to change my mind. I see a lot of benefit for people whose brains aren't broken to use the help those drugs can give.)

So how do I approach 2026? I think that I'm going to rework my workouts. Make them a little shorter. Instead of looking at an hour and half to two hours look at 45 minutes to an hour. Split the weights off from the cardio. Sure, it will give me a little less cardio over all and more total body weight days instead of split focus but at least for now I think it might help drag me out of the blahs around it. I'm also going to pick back up Body Groove. It was a workout I did at the beginning of the pandemic. It's not a real hard workout, it's a dance thing, but it's a joyful thing. It's a revel in your own body thing. And right now I could use a little more joy and revelling around my workouts. I'm also still (STILL) debating if I rejoin a gym so I have access to machines instead of just free weights. Just for variety and the possibility of lifting heavier without a spotter.

So the overall goal for 2026 is the same as it was in 2025 just the methods are going to be different. Workouts hit the how does this benefit me on both the head and the heart levels. They help keep me sane and they strengthen my heart. I just need to work in the food aspect of is what I am eating benefitting me? And sometimes it's going to be good for my body and sometimes it's going to be just good for the soul.

Also, I'm going to do my best to not do the crazy part.