Tired...

I'm just tired.

Physically, for sure. I even tried to go back to bed this morning. Not a thing I normally do, and when I try I realize why. I just have a hard time day sleeping unless I'm sick. My brain is like OH NO SHE'S PASSING OUT QUICK THINK OF ALL OF THE THINGS TO KEEP HER CONSCIOUS!

So yeah...

I'm physically tired.

Which is odd, because I have no real reason to be this tired. Yes, sure, sleep is patchy but sleep is always patchy. But for whatever reason today I am beat.

Emotionally I'm tapped out. Last week there were good things for sure, but because there were some monumental bad things it was hard to fully feel the joy in them. Booker's speech (can you believe that was last week?) was so great. Emotional and moving and important and then it was done.

The protests on Saturday were even more well attended than organizers thought they would be. So many people across the country have finally had enough to take to the streets. To show their displeasure and I know a lot of people will say that doesn't matter, but it does. I truly believe it does. I believe (as you know) every time you say something or do something it gives others permission to step up as well. Or at the very least let's them know that they aren't alone.

We saw a play on Sunday that was really well done. Powerful, moving, emotional. I was glad a friend of ours had already seen it and warned me to bring tissues. I was just this side of a full on ugly cry by the end. Great art.

But then while all of that is happening there is the constant drumbeat of the end of our country. The administration admitted that they sent someone to that supermax hell hole by accident and oh well they aren't bringing him back because they can't.

What?

I mean, the whole sending people to another country without due process is one level of horror (which our feckless Supreme Court has said you can send them but you really should warn them first but we aren't going to make you bring back the people you sent by accident so...), the fact that they know it was an error and aren't bothered by it is another level of horror and then to top it off they are basically saying if you go there, you aren't coming back AND...then Trump was musing about how he'd like to start sending citizens there too. Which, come on, we all knew was the end game, but he is secure enough in his belief that he's untouchable (and why shouldn't he be?) that he is saying it out loud.

Every time you turn around they are revoking the visas of students here legally. For various and random reasons. You voiced an opinion that differs from the current administration? Revoked. You went to a protest? Revoked. You wrote an op-ed? Revoked. You are from a country we are mad at? Revoked. And we aren't going to tell you your visa was revoked, we're just going to snatch you off the street and if you're lucky you will be on a plane back home, if not hopefully someone is able to track you down. Start in Louisiana.

They are detaining people flying in to the airports. Sometimes sending people right back to their home countries because they've been critical of our government. They demanded the phone of an American lawyer coming back from Spring Break with his family, because he's representing one of the students they are deporting. Because he's a lawyer and knows his rights that didn't actually go their way, but you know that the next step is an EO condemning his law firm and demanding he be fired.

And about half of those are working. The EO's against law firms who dare hire people who have taken cases against Trump. About half have said oh no you don't, and half have clutched their pearls and said oh no let's make nice! And everytime a big law firm, or college, or university, or business bends the knee that also sends a message. Just like the protests did, just the opposite one. It sends the be afraid message. The nobody is coming to protect you. Nobody is going to save us this time.

The tariffs. Holy fucking shit, the tariffs. With the made up math formula and the illogical reasoning. It's not just that he has never understood that tariffs are a tax that we the consumer pays, it's that he thinks a trade deficit is a defacto tariff. That somehow the fact that we buy a lot of vanilla from Madagascar and they don't buy much from us means they are ripping us off. So prepare to pay a 47% tariff on that, on top of the increase in cost that has been happening due to climate change, and oh by the way we've deregulated everything so that's going to get worse.

Brent and I were talking about it and I said that I guessed this is why he never pays his contractors. He thinks having to pay for things is a ripoff. Brent said any exchange that ends up with him paying money means that now someone else has his money and that's bad. That's what he thinks trade deficits are. That's what he thinks tariffs will fix. The imbalance he sees is that paying for things is a losers game and so we just shouldn't. Somehow. But if we do then we should definitely pay more because tariffs will make us rich by making us spend more for goods and... Yeah. He doesn't understand it, so there is no logical way to explain it.

And it's all exhausting. Our economy is tanking. We are dragging the world economy down with us. We are on don't travel advisories from other countries. Our air safety has gotten significantly worse. The people who make (made) our country safe (food safety, health, medical research, public lands, social security, medicare, medicaid, NOAA on and on) are all being fired. Not to mention the damage we have done globally by stopping USAID.

I'm just so tired.

And I know, it's all being done on purpose just to get this result. To wear us all down and out and stop us from fighting the inevitable.

But...

I'm tired. I'm not giving up. It's not inevitable unless we all just roll over and stop. And pulling the covers up for a few days. Ignoring the stars and goals and to do lists for a moment, that's not stopping. That's pausing. That's refueling then refocusing. And I know that part of my problem is that the other times over these past months where it's all gotten to be too much I haven't been able to get all the way back to perfect. I don't know that I'll ever get all the way back. I can only manage to get back to fine, I can take another round so let's go.

And that's okay. I'll take fine.

We are all going to have moments where it's too much. Multiple moments. So take the time, recenter, readjust, rest, whatever you need. Then remember. Nobody is going to save us but us. So keep fighting.