Whoosh...

My ADD is ADDing.

I always have a list running in my head of what I'm doing and what I need to do. Like in the morning I get up and think, Make Brent's smoothie, make breakfast, make my smoothie, clean the kitchen. Then the variables kick in, maybe water plants then workout or strip the bed then workout. But honestly workout isn't accurate, it's really brush teeth, braid hair, fill water bottle, work out. It gets real granular.

And it's constant. Right now it's write the blog, fold laundry, start the next load, watch Drag Race, adjust workouts for next week.

But my ADD is ADDing and has been for the past two days so it's like wash dishes, oh what's that? you should get the handheld vac out and get that cat fur, chonka chonka the couch, check the weather, for what? I don't know, just check it, open Bluesky, shut Bluesky then open it again right away. Oh what's that? Oh the cat fur. Go get the handheld vac...and wait...Do dishes.

This is the time I really rely on my written lists because my mental ones are in constant flux. Things will get added then forgotten in seconds. It's hectic.

It makes me wonder if I was misdiagnosed with manic depression (what it was called at the time and what I prefer over bipolar) and it was just what presented as manic was ADD lack of focus.

Though lack of focus isn't exactly right. I say I'm not flighty I'm multi focused. Because that's what it is. It's not the hyperfocus that can happen when I am working on a project and forget little things like stopping to eat. It's the multifocus of everything in the world is fighting for my attention.

It's the part that often keeps me from doing things I enjoy. Like I like doing puzzles. But the list that starts in my head with doing puzzles is, get out the puzzle, sort pieces, keep the cats from stealing pieces, work on the puzzle, put the puzzle away without wrecking what you've done, keep Tig from chewing on the string of the puzzle bag, clean up the little shaving of cardboard that puzzles leave behind, and then I think, maybe not today. Maybe later. Though I still buy puzzles and fully intend on working on them. Someday. Just maybe not today because...

Because I focus on everything all at once instead of just the thing right in front of me that I want to do. Or that I need to do.

It's rare that I am fully in the moment.

Listening to the ocean is an exception. I can follow the sound of the waves in and out and it seems to just shut everything else down. It's part of why I feel so relaxed when we are near the shore. My brain isn't as busy. Even though we are often doing a lot of things and I have a schedule, and there are tons of things to look at, it's not the list. The constant this, then this, then this. It's in and out. Breathing with the sea.

There are other times, I won't go into details, but I think you can imagine what times they might be. But also very relaxed afterwards.

I have tried meditation. Used some guided meditation programs. Tried following some transcendental programs. The only one that works for me is walking meditation. Forest bathing. Beach combing. One foot in front of the other in nature. Breathe with the world sort of thing. And unless it's the ocean it doesn't always work either. Just often works. Sometimes the hike through the woods is finished and I think, wait, what did I just see? I've not paid any attention to what I was doing, just what I needed to do next.

This is the thing that medication would help with. If I was working outside of the house I would probably look into it. Since I don't have to do anything, not really, and because I have my lists to keep me on track I don't worry about it. When I was working I was the master of schedules and lists and habits. Predictiability was a strong suit. It had to be. I also tended to be the one taking notes in meetings. Because if I wasn't taking notes I was not there. Not mentally at least. I was back at my desk thinking, I need to do this, then this, then this, did he really think that shirt and tie combo was a good choice? maybe he got dressed in the dark, focus, what is he talking about? Remember the last meeting when he...

So yeah. Forced focus. But I told myself it was because other people's notes weren't detailed enough. And they weren't. Not for me. If you ever read a meeting book where the meeting minutes were ones I took you would have felt like you actually knew what happened in the meeting. Like what really happened. If someone else took the the minutes you got the votes and the important details, but you didn't really understand what happened. Which is probably fine. But it drives me a bit crazy. If I missed a meeting I wanted to know the details of the decision, not just the decision. If you don't know the details it's harder to craft your next message.

So why are you getting a whole ass rambling blog about this? Because I've had like three GREAT ideas for a blog over the past two days and they are here and gone...whoosh. So I figured I'd just write about why. And in a way that maybe shows you what it's like when my ADD is ADDing.

Welcome to the Thunderdome...