Wrong Impression...

fiction

My first impression of Carl was that he had to be very very rich. Even when I learned the truth I had a hard time shaking that initial thought.

There were reasons for that impression. First off he had contacted me through LinkedIn for a job opportunity. Now only MLM people or startups call their jobs opportunities. And I had asked directly if this was an MLM pitch and he had assured me that it wasn't. So I was predisposed to thinking he was the owner of a startup looking to poach talent.

The second was that first time we met he looked like he had selected his clothes from the lost and found and had maybe a passing acquaintance with a hair brush. Only the very rich can get away with looking like that.

Of course he had a reason for looking so disheveled. I mean, after our meeting it took everything I could not to mirror his appearance. If I hadn't had my actual job, the one I thought he was trying to poach me from, to go to I might have just given in to the lure of the soft clothes and junk food.

Carl had found my information through my husband's page. He had debated contacting me for awhile but decided that I had every right to know. His wife and my husband were having an affair. At first I was positive he was mistaken. Not my husband. We had a good marriage. We enjoyed each other's company. We weren't fighting. We were fine. There was no way. But he had proof. And it was solid. And devastating.

I hated him in that moment. How dare he tell me. But I also appreciated that he did. I mean it's better to know than not, right?

We cried together. We both were shocked. We both felt such a deep betrayal. Neither one of us had had any idea that our marriages were in trouble. Though, honestly, I'm not sure that it would have been better even if Gary and I had been fighting or miserable. I mean, I might have understood it a little more, but then again, I might not have.

We parted ways with neither one of us sure what we were going to do. Clearly something. We couldn't live knowing the truth and ignoring it. Not for long anyway.

I started giving myself the pep talk. This had nothing to do with me. Not really. This was all about something to do with Gary. We have all heard it from every movie, book, counselor, friend, when someone cheats it has to do with them, not the person they are cheating on. That makes a lot more sense when it's not you that's been cheated on. But I still tried everyday to remind myself that there wasn't anything wrong with me.

All the while I was trying to figure out what I was going to do. I would find my mind wandering. Who would get which friends? And the idea of my friends being nice to her? It made me angry and it hadn't even happened yet. And the kids? They were going to be devastated. Lily had told me the year before that she was so glad that her dad and I were nice to each other. She had spent the weekend at a friend's house and I guess her parents sniped at each other the whole time. It made her so uncomfortable. She'd never been around that before, her parents really liked each other. And Sam? I wasn't sure how he was going to take it at all. He idolized his dad.

And would we even tell them why we were splitting up? I couldn't imagine telling my children that Dad was a cheater, but at the same time I couldn't imagine letting them think it was my fault. Because it sure as fuck wasn't. There was nothing wrong with me.

A few weeks after that first meeting Carl reached out again. He wanted to get coffee and talk. He had no one else to talk to about this and thought I might feel the same way. He was right. I hadn't told anyone. I couldn't tell anyone. Not until I figured out what I was going to do. But it had been eating me alive. Acting like nothing was wrong. Though Gary knew something was up. He was always very perceptive about my moods, and I'm sure I wasn't hiding my devastation as well as I thought. He had been being incredibly sweet to me which of course made it all so much worse. But I'd repeat my there is nothing wrong with you mantra and face each day.

Carl and I met at a cute little bakery coffee shop near my office. He told me about how bad traffic was, how hard it had been to find a parking space, how he would have taken public transport but it was always late and confusing. After downloading his litany of complaints he started to eat his muffin. I'm not someone who has a problem with people chewing. You know those people? The ones who cannot stand to hear someone chew. It just squicks them out. I'm not that person.

But this? This was something else. He ate that muffin like a dog trying to get peanut butter off the roof of his mouth. And I swear he would wait to speak until after he had taken a large bite. Crumbs and spittle everywhere. I leaned back out of the blast zone and realized he was wearing the exact same outfit as last time. Just now with a few more spots and splotches on it. And I thought about Gary.

Gary is put together. I think that's the best way to describe it. He's not fussy in that overly produced way some well dressed people are, but he's always put together. His clothes are neat, his shoes are shined, his hair is styled, his manners are impeccable and he doesn't complain about anything. Takes life in stride. I could see why she was attracted to my husband when this was her normal everyday experience. It would be like someone offering you a fine dining experience when you normally ate out of a paper bag.

Then I was horrified. Clearly she was choosing Gary because Carl was well, Carl. So why was Gary choosing her? What was wrong with me?

The pep talks were out the window. This clearly did have something to do with me.

That was the turning point. I arranged to have the kids spend the weekend with their grandparents and confronted Gary about the affair.

It had nothing to do with me. I was great. It was all on him.

We did a lot of counselling where I heard over and over again that the affair was outside of our relationship. That it didn't have to mean the end of it if we chose to work through it.

We worked through it.

I saw Carl a year or so later. He was walking their dog. They had stayed together as well, were working through it.

He was wearing the same clothes.

I still think he must be rich.